I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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