I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Small penises have feelings too.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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