I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
what day is it and did you see me today?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
