I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
