please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
