ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
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Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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