life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
