I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
