he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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