How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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