i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
