Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
