Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
