I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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