I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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