one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
