you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
