You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
