Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
