someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
