We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
