she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
