and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
