I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
