things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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