What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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