after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
