you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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