I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
