i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
