It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
