I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
