NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
