I heard we made out
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
