Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
