I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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