so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
