You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
