i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
