mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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