I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
