I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Randomize
