the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
