like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
