i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
