And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
