Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
