i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
