I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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