Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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