I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
