Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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