As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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