So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
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I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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