We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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