She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
