genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
