In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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